Abuse in the name of love

By Nomzamo Thukwane 

For many years domestic violence and the abuse of women and children was regarded as a private matter and many cases in South Africa were not reported.

The 2013-2014 household survey conducted by the South African Medical Research Council showed that 40% of men have hit their partners and one in four men has raped a woman.

Itumeleng Moloko, counselling manager for People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) said that in some cases victims were made to believe that they or their actions were the cause of the abuse.

She said that education and awareness programmes such as the 16 Days of Activism for No violence against children and women campaign were vital because there were still women who believed that abuse was an act of showing love.

“Domestic abuse can never be part of a good relationship. When fear, intimidation, and cruelty are present in a relationship, can you really call that love?” she asked.

Advising women to break the silence and speak to people they can trust, Itumeleng said, “Unlike physical abuse where the perpetrator does something to hurt the victim, other forms of abuse don't leave bruises however they affect the victim emotionally. Therefore it is important to seek help before it is too late,” she said.

An abusive partner may promise to change or give reasons to justify the violent or intimidating behaviour. At times the promises and reasons may seem to make sense, but women often need a strong support system, including a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse to help them draw the line between acceptable and abusive behaviour and to help them make decisions about how to live an abuse-free life.

Tell-tale signs to spot an abuser

Someone checking your cellphone or email without permission

Constantly putting you down

Extreme jealousy or insecurity

Explosive temper

Isolating you from family or friends

Making false accusations

Mood swings

Physically hurting you in any way

Possessiveness

Telling you what to do

Pressuring or forcing you to have sex